I used to think of such emotions and feelings as contradictory. I thought that I had to be all thankful, or all sad, or all lonely, or all content. I pushed myself to be thankful for things that I can honestly say I am thankful for now and my life is much harder than it ever was. I used to read blogs and feel guilty that I needed to force myself to have gratitude for hard things--things that I might see as easy now in comparison. That has been my journey, one I know my spirit desperately needed to take--and boy has it been taken for a ride!
I can remember 2012 dimly. (That's when I wrote this blog's first post. I kept it because I feel it stands for something. We'll get there.) I started that year reading a blog post from Passionate Homemaking about gratitude. I don't know how I came upon it. Maybe I found it on Facebook. I was struggling because our family had been living a special needs life for several year at this point. I don't think we had yet come to term with being "special needs," but we were. I had a precious six-year-old, hereafter referred to as "Little Bear," who had once been nearly typical a few years previously, but was far from "typical" these days. He was already diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and soon would be diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, CNSD, ADHD, and OCD. He was struggling with severe anxiety, chemical and food sensitivities that would quickly fill any chart, tantrums and terrible mood swings. My once preciously chill boy was now high strung and volatile. Little Bear was falling apart. Our beautiful little Darling Do immediately posed challenges with her sleep troubles, curious and creative demanding spirit, and clear food sensitivities. I had started having miscarriages--the first of a string of eight that would mark the next two years. My husband was working late nights while I spent my time cooking, cleaning, trying to bless my two littles while also losing babies, and homeschooling. Life. Was. Hard. It was. No arguing about it. Nevertheless, I needed a change of attitude.
We are going to fast forward a few years, almost four as we are nearing the closing days of 2015. Wow. I am not even going to say it.... I would say life is harder now in some ways. We have made a ton of progress in the last four years. I can say we are on a healing path now and I could not really say that about then. We had too many detours and roadblocks to encounter. But now we are nearly seven years into special needs, four years into special diets, four years into losing eight precious babies to Heaven, four years into letting go of family meals out, fun trips to the fair, afternoon visits to the mall pretzel stand to just catch our breath and have fun. I miss those things.... However, now we have perspective, and that is a good thing. A God thing. God promises to bring about hope, joy, a perfecting of spirit in our trials, in all those ups and downs of a sometimes roller coaster life. Ours has been nothing short of seriously dippy coaster ride. The difference between 2012 and 2015? I am learning joy.
So tonight I was pushed to the point of blogging. Because I am lonely. Because I know that other moms, other Christian moms of special needs kids are lonely, too. They are standing at their kitchen sinks crying over dirty dishes but so thankful for the faces that were fed by the food still crusting the plates. They are dog-tired but staying up late to try and find a blog that might connect them with others out there who are struggling as well. They are trying to make friends and not really sure how because there is so much hurt, disappointment, and complication to this special needs life. They just need somewhere to connect. I am praying this might be the start of something that can help someone out there. I am praying that I might find a little more healing along the way. This broken heart has many wounds to bind.
My story will take a while. I hope to start sharing over the course of the coming days. Late nights when the kids are quiet and my hard working husband has already crashed, I will trek to the keyboard to bang out my tale. This leg of the journey demands companions. Maybe we will meet along the way.
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